Wonder of wonders! Much to my great surprise, I have discovered a doctor right here in Small City who specialises in the treatment of, well, problems like mine, and who has in fact treated patients with intralipids. Shock!
We have an appointment on August 9.
Yes, I know. August 9. When I delivered this news, the husband responded with “ouch”. For me though, it was more or less as I was expecting. So now we wait. Again.
1.Cycle update
Unsurprisingly, my last cycle ended as predictably as ever. My period arrived on 11dpo. The only surprising thing about this is that apparently my capacity for self-delusion knows no bounds. Allowing myself to believe that this is going to happen for us is clearly misguided at best and lunacy at worst.
2.The Talk
Surprisingly, the crushing disappointment of failure led us to actually have The Talk.
What we agree on:
So. Where does this leave us? Intralipids are still a rarity in Australia.
For a long time I have known of only one doctor in the whole country who was prepared to do IVIG/intralipids. Let’s call him Dr Last Resort. He is not part of a fertility clinic and is not an RE per se. He is an ob/gyn with an interest in reproductive immunology who will give you a protocol whilst your pursue your treatment cycle elsewhere. He is located in Sydney, which is accessible from Small City. I know that he has had success with difficult cases. Win all round.
In the course of my research, I have now found out there are at least two other doctors, both attached to fertility clinics, who are using intralipids.* (Compare with two years ago, when I could not find anyone except Dr Last Resort). One of them sounds great, the other not so great. Both are very far away. I am considering them as back up options. I am also looking into whether there are any available doctors in Small City who will consider treatment with intralipids.
You may wonder why we are going to all this trouble. After six years, we have tried it all. I have tried aspirin, clexane, progesterone, prednisone, vitamins and minerals of all types at one time or another, often lots of these together. We have almost reached the end. Intralipids is the only thing we haven’t tried. I have read so many success stories. We feel that this is what we have to do before we give up for good.
3. Other people
I am fed up with people in the workplace asking me whether I have children. No, I do NOT have children. Have I ever spoken about any children? No. Do I know when the school holidays start and end? I do not. Do I ever talk about childcare or the school run? Certainly not. Do I dissect in excruciating detail the wonders of Mother’s Day? Do I even MENTION Mother’s Day? I would rather stick a fork in my eye. So, dear colleagues, I ask you to draw your own conclusions based on common sense and leave me the hell alone.
* If you are in Australia and need to know who these doctors are, please e-mail me. I would be more than happy to share this information with you.
Well, dear readers, it certainly has been a long time. There has been nothing to say. Progress has not been made in the “what the hell do we do now” department. We have been avoiding The Talk. Hell, even watching a story about embryo donation on a lightweight television current affairs program last week couldn’t induce us to have The Talk.
I think it is partly because I don’t want the Husband to say Things That I Don’t Want to Hear. I think we are also both well aware of what the options are at this point, and none of them are palatable. The chances of success this late in the game appear extremely remote, regardless of any options we decide to pursue.
Nonetheless, this month we both felt like it would be a good time to give it a shot. I have no idea why. We pulled off a perfectly timed cycle and now I find myself back in the middle of the perpetual “am I/aren’t I/could it be/it couldn’t be/well it might be/who are you kidding/get a grip/stop being a psycho/this is never going to work” psychological horror show that is the two week wait.
There’s at least five days to go.
Send cake.
I would like to bid a fond farewell to 2011, and offer a hearty welcome to 2012. 2011, I have nothing more to say to you. 2012, you may take a seat by the hearth and make yourself comfortable.
There are a lot of good things on the horizon in 2012. Sadly, I do not think having a baby will be one of them. But let’s not be maudlin, shall we, dear readers? I offer you the forthcoming celebratory highlights of 2012:
As you can see, there is a great deal to look forward to this coming year.
Now for the not so good. The best way to express the way I am feeling about the whole baby situation at the moment is to say that I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the answer is. Although we both feel the need to do something, we just aren’t sure what that something is.
We’re taking some time to think about it. I hope that by giving ourselves this space our path might become clearer.
I feel compelled to say something, although I’m not exactly sure what.
I don’t think there is anything I can say that would accurately describe all that I (and my husband) have experienced during the past few months. Suffice to say that losing a parent is a very difficult thing. I would like to take this opportunity to thank every one for their very kind comments.
*****
And so, to return to the topic at hand. This month was supposed to be the big return to action. You know, in our grand plan to try and take home an actual baby. It’s the first time in months that my husband and I were in the same place at the same time and both feeling like we were ready to go ahead. We agree that now that I have reached the ripe old age of thirty-eight, it’s the business end of this whole deal. It’s time to get serious, y’all! I mean, what on earth have we been doing all these years?
In the event, it turned out to be a rather half-baked attempt. But lo, an attempt was made, and now we wait. How will we pass the time during yet another infernal two week wait? How will we ever withstand the excruciating suspense of inevitable disappointment?
There is one point upon which you can rest assured, dear readers. Passing the time during the next two weeks most certainly won’t involve wild nights filled with rampant and spontaneous non-duty sex. Of that I am quite sure.
Part the Second: Death
I had intended to write a post about my mother reaching the end stage of her treatment for lymphoma; that there were only weeks to live; that it was a very hard thing to watch your parent waste away in front of you. Yet time slips away and suddenly there is only silence. My mother passed away at approximately 1:30am this morning.
My aunt and I had spent the last few days by her side, along with a close friend of my mother’s. We said goodbye when we left the hospital this evening because it seemed unlikely that she would make it through the night. A nurse called about 1am to say she was deteriorating. My husband, aunt, and I raced to the hospital through driving rain but she had passed away before we arrived.
She was not in any pain and a nurse was with her, holding her hand. I am so thankful for these small mercies and the great kindness that all of the nursing staff and the palliative care team have shown to us. There are truly some angels in this world. I am grateful that my aunt and my mother’s friend were here; that they had time to spend with her. I am glad that my mother’s suffering is over and I hope that she is at peace now.
Life is short, dear readers. Time is precious. If we are fortunate enough to have family and friends to love and to care about us, then we are truly blessed. Reach out and tell them you love them. Live well. Laugh. Love.
Part the First: Life
As mentioned in my previous post, my sister in law is expecting her fifth child. SIL is married to the Husband’s brother. They are both lovely people and I care about them very much. We quite often receive emails from SIL updating us about family goings on, living as they do in the same city as the Husband’s parents, and I always look forward to them. They are always full of fun and laughter, especially when they contain news of the four gorgeous whirlwinds, otherwise known as my nieces.We don’t get to visit in person very often, but it is always such fun when we do.
When we heard this latest piece of news, we were a little surprised. Simply because, well, to us it seems truly a blessing to have four children, but also because SIL almost died during the birth of #3. We were all so concerned for SIL when she announced #4, but that little one arrived safe and sound, and all was well. After that, they promised that they were done.
While we stood together in front of the computer screen reading this news, my husband reached out to hug me, and it was that simple gesture that made me weep. We think this new baby is wonderful news and are very happy for BIL and SIL. At the same time, I was suddenly so overwhelmingly sad for us. Not angry, or bitter, or jealous, just sad.
Sad that we will never a house filled with four, let alone five, children. Sad that after all we have been through, we don’t really seem any closer to achieving a viable pregnancy. Sad that I have to see the disappointment on my husband’s face at the end of each failed cycle. Sad that I will probably never be able to give my husband the children that he would so very much love to have. Sad that we have to try to face the reality of a childless future.
At the same time, I am overwhelmingly grateful for all the blessings that I do have. A wonderful husband, who will be by my side far into the future, come what may. A good career. Our beautiful home in the country. Our fantastic four-legged companion, The Cat. We have seven, soon to be eight, wonderful nieces and nephews. We will welcome this little one with all our hearts. The Husband and I would like to have children very much, but if we do not, then we have much to be grateful for. Indeed, we have happiness.
Quelle horreur! The holidays are drawing to a close. Tomorrow we undertake a long drive back to Small City and return to work on Monday. A veritable ton of work awaits. Sigh.
Because, you know, everyone cares what I do on my holidays, I present to you the highlights in bullet point format.
Overall, a thoroughly good time was had by all.
The end.
I do apologise for the lack of updates. I am just incredibly busy right now. I am dragging myself towards the Easter break, when I am having an entire week off. The week will be spent at home on the farm. Lovely.
In order to bring you up to date, dear readers, cast your minds back in time to Wednesday last week. It was 11dpo. I managed to hold off testing until that morning, only to be confronted with a BFN. This was as I was expecting, but it was still disappointing. I headed off to work, and two hours later was spotting. By the early afternoon, my period had arrived in full along with the wretched bone-crushing cramps. Trifecta!
What can one say about all this? Not much, really. I was disappointed, though not hopelessly crushed. I find myself extremely frustrated at each failed cycle. I am taking a combination of drugs that produce horrid side effects, and I really don’t want to continue with this for much longer. However, we can’t know whether it is going to work until such time as I conceive again. Trapped in a feedback loop.
One other comment I can make: quite surprised that despite 100mg of progesterone daily I still only manage to have a 23 or 24 day cycle. Not quite sure whether to be worried about that or not. I prefer not. I have given up trying to figure out what’s going on with my body.
Right, then. Forward ho. As a result of all the above, we will be doing it like bunnies over the Easter weekend. ‘Tis the season, after all. All that chocolate has to be good for something.
In the absence of anything new to say about this situation, I will just give you the facts.
We managed to pull off another well-timed cycle. I am 8dpo now, with a case of two week wait madness slowly creeping upon me. I am not kidding myself that I am going to be able to hold out on testing. I’d be surprised if I can make it past 10dpo at this point. I have no particular hopes that this cycle will be any different to any other; I’m trying to remain neutral. It’s the only way I can avoid a crushing disappointment at the end. Which sounds stupid, because I will be crushed, regardless.
I know it sounds negative, and I should try and find something positive to focus on, but really, it’s almost impossible to see how we can overcome this situation from here. I don’t seem to be able to find the words to articulate how I feel about all that in a proper post as yet.
Right, then. Change of subject. Have spent a productive weekend studying, pottering with my plants, and cooking a large pot of soup. I’m looking forward to my customary Sunday evening of finishing off the Saturday papers (and oh! luxury! A rare copy of the New Yorker!), a nice dinner, a glass of red wine, and something stupid on television.
Completely unrelated to anything: I’m really enjoying the new PJ Harvey album, Let England Shake.
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