Standing still, yet moving forward

There’s been no update because it has taken me a while to work out what I wanted to say. I’ve also experienced a deep, dark, depression. The absolute depths of despair. Black days indeed.

There is good news, and bad news. Bad news first. Failed again. It was the worst feeling, a terrible day, trying to cling to hope, but really just awaiting the inevitable. We had been doing the clexane injections for a week, since the first hint of a positive line. D was an absolute champion, administering the shots with as little pain and fuss as possible. It hurt. I bruised. But it didn’t help.

The good news. I had a good consultation with Dr O. at the hospital clinic. I arrived in a state of some distress, but he was able to recognise this and help me stay calm. The consultation focused mainly on waiting to see if this pregnancy failed – not that much we could do until then. All was not lost. He was the first doctor to acknowledge my situation as something out of the ordinary, and start considering what to do. Again he said the MTHFR was unlikely to be causing the problem on its own. I am actually starting to agree.

He looked at the tests I had. He declared that these were all appropriate and good, but yet…there was more. There was more. This was everything I wanted to hear. I just about fell down and kissed him. Because I know there is more. He did not specifically mention the ATA, but he ordered a full thryoid panel, ANA panel, DNA panel, and ACA panel (waiting to see if this includes all the APAs as well). If not, I will be asking for that next time. As well as a full NK assay. These would be the only things left, if the APA is not on the current panel. He told me the tests would take a week or so. Here we go, on to the path of reproductive immunology.

The next day I called to get the results of the beta (negative). This time his assistant said the results would take a few weeks. I did not agree. Let’s go ahead and schedule an appointment then, she said. When is it? October 30. The absolute earliest.

I think this long wait is what sent me into the depression. I was consumed by the need for answers, and the wait seemed interminable. Slowly I have formulated a plan. Firstly, we rang the old clinic to request the DNA sperm assay test. It took five calls and three emails, but what the heck. Result: 9% fragmentation. Less than 15% is considered “excellent fertility potential”, so we are fine on that score.

Next: booked in for the dreaded sonohystogram. Friday afternoon, 3pm. Reason: because the doctor questioned the note on the polyps on my file. I need to know for certain. So off to the sono and if anything is there I will have it removed. This will leave us ready and in the clear to move ahead on October 30.

Needless to say, everything is on hold until then. We can’t take the risk. We are actively preventing.

It feels strange to be stalled and yet moving forward all at the same time.