Surviving

After the January cycle failed, I fell into a deep depression. Rationally one shouldn’t get so upset about natural cycles, random as they are, but I think we are way past the rational stage here. We are talking about a journey that has almost reached the five year point. Sometimes I really just can’t believe that.

In addition to this there have been some major life events in the family that are very stressful to deal with. Plus, I had my first performance review for my new job. Fortunately it went exceedingly well, but the mere idea of “performance conversations” is enough to strike fear deep into my heart.

It’s been a difficult time. While the last few days have been better, the past few weeks I can only describe as ones in which I was merely surviving.

Nonetheless, the husband and I perservered, and another well-timed cycle was had by all.¬† Yet it was still with an overwhelming¬† sense of futility that I stood in the pharmacy today and waited for my prednisone prescription to be refilled. I’m eight days past ovulation today, so there are a few days left in this cycle yet.

My expectations are low. My new year’s hope has evaporated.

  1. Twangy’s avatar

    Andie, I am so sorry you are in this awful gloom. I wish it were not so.

    There’s not much I can say to reassure you – I know you know rationally that this will pass, but I also know how hard it is to believe that, when depression is dogging you.
    Hang on Andie – better times are coming.
    Hugs xx

  2. Justine’s avatar

    I so wish that you weren’t in this place … and I wish there were something right now that you could do just for you … something where you didn’t feel judged, but that just felt good. *hug* Please be kind to yourself.

  3. mel’s avatar

    my hope has not evaporated for you. i shall keep hoping til you get there (which i really really really hope will be really really soon) xx mel

  4. thethirtiesgirl’s avatar

    Thanks for your comments–they are much appreciated. We’re about it in the same place right now (I’m 7dpo). I hate this part–almost to the point where you will know whether you’re going to get a bfp or not. I understand how easy it is to slip into depression. This is one of the hardest things I have ever went through. I hope you feel better soon and fingers crossed for you.

  5. Adele’s avatar

    Andie, I sometimes think that just enduring things is a tall order. Those periods of getting by are so very hard. But at the same time, they’re an achievement. To put one foot in front of the other…not everybody does. And it speaks to your strength that you do. It won’t forever be like this – but it’s terrible that it’s like this now.

    As someone who has been completely blindsided by perfect cycles which result in nothing (8 follicles on an IUI for goodness sakes!), I understand how you feel. There truly is no rhyme or reason. But then, when you least expect it, magical things can happen. And my hope is that this happens for you.

    Soon.

  6. TasIVFer’s avatar

    I know the gloom so, so well! :-( ((HUGS))

  7. conceptionally challenged’s avatar

    I’m so sorry, Andie. Putting one foot (or cycle) in front of the other can be so hard, if none of them ever worked out in the way you hoped. 5 years can be so very long. I hope that it will be your lucky cycle soon. And that you find help for your depression, if needed.

  8. Emily’s avatar

    You said “Rationally one shouldn’t get so upset about natural cycles” and I’m going to respectfully disagree with you on that one. It was still a chance. There was hope connected to it. Is a natural cycle more random than an IVF one? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that there should be less hope or less promise about the cycle.

    It’s okay to feel depressed over any cycle that didn’t work. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    Hugs to you today. I hope that you can find a way out of this.

  9. bunny’s avatar

    Merely surviving is enough, like Adele says. I don’t think anyone could be asked to remain upbeat in the face of disappointment, and you’ve sure had way more than your share. I hope the slightly upward trajectory continues, that the randomness works in your favor this time, and that your low expectations are turned upside down.

  10. Pundelina’s avatar

    Rational-shmational. There’s nothing about any of this that’s rational. Nearly five years is just awful Andie, really really craptastically terrible and I wish so much that all of our thoughts and wishes for you (as well as your own) made a difference.

    But like it does for me, hope springs eternal and so crushing disappointment follows. I really hope that your journey ends soon with a baby in your arms.

    x ((hugs))

  11. misfit’s avatar

    Shoot. My heart is with you dear. I seem to have dropped you from my goog reader since your site change and have just been that self absorbed to not check back.

    I understand the depression so much. It’s easy to think how, well, easy it has been for us with RPL that not getting to step one is a big deal. Of course we are gutted when things haven’t worked out, but that first step is the only way to get to the final destination. So it makes sense when you feel that seemingly perfect cycles aren’t adding up correctly. I do know how much that can break your heart.

    I am pulling for that hope to come back soon. It’s here. This year. It’s time.

  12. Whitney’s avatar

    Andie,

    I’m here for the first time from ICLW. I’m sorry about this cycle. Just know that you are not alone. My husband and I just passed the 5 year mark and have had 4 miscarriages. It’s awful, overwhelming and confusing.

    Whitney

  13. We Have Angel Wings’s avatar

    I’m so sorry about this cycles. I know your heartache. We were coming up on our 6th year when we got our little miracle.

    I’m holding onto hope for you. Like Whitney said, you’re not alone. We’re all here right beside you, cheering you on.

    ICLW #82

    ♥ T

  14. stacie’s avatar

    I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. :( Sometimes all we can do is survive from one day to the next. I hope this year turns around for you.