Have you given up?

When I went to the appointment with my GP mentioned in my last post, and after I had declined the referral he had so kindly offered, he came straight out and asked me, “so, after all that, have you absolutely given up?”

The answer to this question is no, not quite.

No, I haven’t given up. Yet I feel that we are facing an uphill battle, bearing a burden that becomes increasingly difficult to carry. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about whether we should give up.  Yet I can’t. There are still too many variables, too many possibilities.

There are a lot of things that bother me, that weigh on me, about our past treatment. I can’t change any of those.  I can keep believing in the possible and working towards the goal. And I do. I do believe that the possibility still exists. So we keep going. But I’ve reached a place where the stakes are high. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. It hurts.

I’m trying not to focus on the past, or imagine the future, whatever it brings. I am working hard on just living in the present. On giving it our best shot this year. That’s all I’ve got. Right now it is one day, one step, at a time.

  1. twangy’s avatar

    It’s so hard to be where you are at the moment. While that possibility exists, how can you turn away? And yet, how can you close the chapter if you don’t?
    One step at a time is heroism, sometimes. All we can do is keep on, and know that things will shift, something will give.

    I’m so sorry – it seems so wrong that this is happening to you.

  2. misfit’s avatar

    I feel very much in the same boat with you here. There are real moments when I think that I should give up and resume whatever life awaits me, but then I think about not trying and I can’t seem to give up.

    The possibility does exist. And those lows are beyond painful. I’m here with you dear and will do my best to help navigate those dark waters.

  3. Bunny’s avatar

    I can only imagine how hard it is to stay in the present, when the past is full of so much heartbreak and the future so darn unknowable. I think even if you do choose to stop trying, it won’t be “giving up”. That makes it sound like you had a choice, which doesn’t seem right… But it seems to me like there’s reason to hope and keep on trucking, even if that means doing it one day at a time. One day’s worth of hope is plenty, right? Anyway, my thoughts are with you.