When I went to the appointment with my GP mentioned in my last post, and after I had declined the referral he had so kindly offered, he came straight out and asked me, “so, after all that, have you absolutely given up?”
The answer to this question is no, not quite.
No, I haven’t given up. Yet I feel that we are facing an uphill battle, bearing a burden that becomes increasingly difficult to carry. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about whether we should give up. Yet I can’t. There are still too many variables, too many possibilities.
There are a lot of things that bother me, that weigh on me, about our past treatment. I can’t change any of those. I can keep believing in the possible and working towards the goal. And I do. I do believe that the possibility still exists. So we keep going. But I’ve reached a place where the stakes are high. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. It hurts.
I’m trying not to focus on the past, or imagine the future, whatever it brings. I am working hard on just living in the present. On giving it our best shot this year. That’s all I’ve got. Right now it is one day, one step, at a time.