Part the First: Life
As mentioned in my previous post, my sister in law is expecting her fifth child. SIL is married to the Husband’s brother. They are both lovely people and I care about them very much. We quite often receive emails from SIL updating us about family goings on, living as they do in the same city as the Husband’s parents, and I always look forward to them. They are always full of fun and laughter, especially when they contain news of the four gorgeous whirlwinds, otherwise known as my nieces.We don’t get to visit in person very often, but it is always such fun when we do.
When we heard this latest piece of news, we were a little surprised. Simply because, well, to us it seems truly a blessing to have four children, but also because SIL almost died during the birth of #3. We were all so concerned for SIL when she announced #4, but that little one arrived safe and sound, and all was well. After that, they promised that they were done.
While we stood together in front of the computer screen reading this news, my husband reached out to hug me, and it was that simple gesture that made me weep. We think this new baby is wonderful news and are very happy for BIL and SIL. At the same time, I was suddenly so overwhelmingly sad for us. Not angry, or bitter, or jealous, just sad.
Sad that we will never a house filled with four, let alone five, children. Sad that after all we have been through, we don’t really seem any closer to achieving a viable pregnancy. Sad that I have to see the disappointment on my husband’s face at the end of each failed cycle. Sad that I will probably never be able to give my husband the children that he would so very much love to have. Sad that we have to try to face the reality of a childless future.
At the same time, I am overwhelmingly grateful for all the blessings that I do have. A wonderful husband, who will be by my side far into the future, come what may. A good career. Our beautiful home in the country. Our fantastic four-legged companion, The Cat. We have seven, soon to be eight, wonderful nieces and nephews. We will welcome this little one with all our hearts. The Husband and I would like to have children very much, but if we do not, then we have much to be grateful for. Indeed, we have happiness.